Wow. Tonight’s Bachelor…I don’t even know where to begin. I thought it took a giant, steaming pile-of–diarrhea turn for the worse after the most-annoying-host-ever-to-have-lived, Chris, announced that “Out of respect for the parties involved, there will be no audience here tonight.” This was said just before Jason broke up with Melissa……on national television. I mean…. obviously having your fiancee dump you the plain ‘ol run-of-the-mill way just wasn’t dramatic enough for ABC. I did learn some very interesting things though…
1) Jason is a douche.
2)Breaking up with someone on national television isn’t hilarious.
3)If you are a man, having a child is probably the best way to get laid. If you do not wish to have one, rent one. Man with child= instant panty dropper.
4)Crying buys men brownie points…..up to a certain point. After this threshold is crossed, we begin to search for your vagina.
As I watched him break down into tears like a little bitch for the 398th time tonight, I got to thinking….women love when men show their emotional side, have the occasional cry, and basically just let us know they, too, have certain a degree of fragility/vulnerability to them. But after a while I was like…..dude….this guy is a giant pussy. It made me want to turn off the tv. At that point I knew there was a SERIOUS problem ……somethings gotta be REALLY bad for me to turn off reality television.
I mean…the great thing about this show is that there have been 264 “Bachelor” and “Bachelorettes”, and only 1 of them has actually lasted more than 3 months….and that is only because Trista married a borderline retarded fireman who finds it hard to complete sentences without drooling, let alone form the thoughts required to disagree with his wife. Oh, and ABC?…please stop bringing them back to comment on every single season. They are highly irritating (although watching Ryan sit while his wife talks and look around the room as if he’s chasing an invisible butterfly is kind of amusing).
So, why are we still so fascinated with this show when we know it’s as likely for the couple to stay together as I am to wake up tomorrow and be tan? My theory…. because technology has made dating virtually impossible. Back in the good ol days of yester and yore in the mid-90’s, we had no blackberry, facebook, twitter, myspace, friendster, unlimited text messaging, and instant messaging….so dating was pretty straightforward. I mean….if someone was interested in you, they’d call or ask you to eat food products and/or imbibe with them. Or if you lived in caveman times, a man would hit you over a head with his club and pull you back to his cave by your hair. sigh…those were such simpler times. There was no guessing game. Today, the lines of communication and signals get so blurred with our constant accessibility. I hear girls frequently asking, “If he doesn’t call, but he texts and facebook’s but doesn’t myspace…is he interested??” The answer….who the hell knows? I sure as shit don’t. My friend Alison told me about “The Penis Theory” today, which basically means that a guy does whatever his penis tells him to. This sounds a little ridiculous but let me tell you…it’s that simple. It sorta goes right along with the overly publicized book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” except replace “He’s” with “His Penis”. If Mr. Winkie gets up to shake your hand, he’s into you. If not, go find another sleeping penis who’ll get up to say hello. Easy as pie. Alison, you are a genius. Crap, now I want pie. dammit.
xoxo, Kimmy