So, I was watching Laguna Beach reruns on the N Network last night and found myself A) Feeling jealous of 17 year olds, B) Realizing it’s sad that I was feeling jealous of 18 year olds, and C) Realizing it’s sadder that I was watching the “N-network for teens” at 29 than it was to be feeling jealous of them.
Why was I jealous you ask? This is a good question. Besides the obvious reasons like cellulite free thighs, boobs leaping proudly into the air, free rent, and the metabolism of a coked up gerbil…they have a completely clean slate and are still so excited about the possibilities that life has to offer. I realize that I am not a blue plate special drink-your-meals senior citizen at this point, but I look back at that time with fondness and excitement, and I long for the days that I could daydream about having the perfect little life in this the city of infinite possibilities. Not that being an out- of-work, single, reality TV obsessed, sugar-addicted actor wasn’t EXACTLY what I meant by “living the perfect little life”, but I have lived just long enough to become a wee bit jaded. You can ALWAYS tell the fresh-out-of-college newbies at every audition. “I LOVE MUSICAL THEATRE!!!!” is practically radiating from their pores. And although we all roll our eyes in distain at their vomit-inducing green-ness, I know deep down we are secretly envious of them….even if the urge to punch them in their ovaries is very, very strong.
On a totally different note, I was having a discussion with my friend Jessica the other day about the world’s most disgusting professions (clearly we have a lot of time on our hands), and we both immediately agreed that being a proctologist wins the prize. I mean…. I understand gynecologists choose to look at vaginas all day long because they also get to bring babies into the world…..but how does one sit up one day and exclaim, “I want to be an ass doctor!!” What is the pay off there? As if probing people’s asses all day wasn’t bad enough, you are going to be probing asses with ISSUES. Someone with a normal healthy asshole does not make an appt to see a proctologist…there has to be something funky going on down there. Jesus Christ on a cross, I can’t even imagine what those people see. I kind of wish I knew one to ask them what the draw is there. Hm….food for thought. Wow…just realized ‘food’ and ‘asshole’ should never be in the same paragraph. I apologize profusely.
*** I told my loyal reader Tiffany Lyn that I would give her a shout out, so Tiffany…”HOLLA!”