So, I just started taking a class appropriately entitled, “Change your book/change you life”, which is pretty bitchin’ because I kind of need to do both (the latter more so than the former). So, as I was sitting there last night watching my classmate’s mock auditions desperately trying to pay attention and stop my mind from daydreaming about cupcakes and mullets, and I started taking inventory of all the humiliating auditions I’ve had since moving to the city….and realized just how many of these I have had.
There was the time during a “Princesses” audition that I went to do a handstand (on the wrong side) and kicked Ellyn Marsh in the face making her nose bleed profusely.
Rob Ashford: Oh my gosh, are you ok??
Ellyn: (holding nose, tears running down) yes…yes I am totally fine (blood seeping through fingers) I barely feel it.
Rob Ashford: (stares blankly at Kim) It’s the other leg.
Kim: (desperately begins thinking of alternate careers)
Then there was the time that my bare breast popped out during an audition for Wicked. I was so into “popular”….jumping around and being my adorable self (and already mentally signing my contract)… until I felt a draft. On my tit. So I look down and yup….there’s my areola standing out and proud for all to see. I didn’t book the job. weird.
So, by some grace of God I am called in for another role in the same show (which admittedly I am wrong for). If you do not know the show, there is a character who is paralyzed from the waist down and in a wheelchair…this is important information.
Reader playing Boq: “Ive asked you to call me Nessarose, remember?”
Me: (gets up from chair with conviction and goes to him) “Boq!!!”
Reader playing Boq: (blinks silently stunned)
Me: (realizes she’s an asshole) (Turns to creative team) “Um….it’s a miracle…my legs work!
Creative team: (ripping up my headshot)
And I am sure most actors out there know the stabbing fear that comes in those dance callbacks where they call, “5…6..7….8″ and you realize you have absolutely no idea what the first step is…let alone the entire combination. Some actors handle this with grace and dignity by making a joke about their ‘brain fart’ or something to that effect. And then there are other actors who stand completely still while people dance around them and begin to cry. These actors have names that rhyme with Shmimmy Downell.
And more recently I was in front of a very large creative team for the little roller-skating-musical-that-could, called Xanadu. I had gone in wearing the same dress on 3 previous occasions for them, and the day before my agent called me and asked me to wear something reminiscent of a Grecian Goddess for the final aud. So, I’m mid-audition dazzling them with my freakish talents, when they ask me to do the scene one more time…but this time in the style of a Midwestern Cheerleader auditioning for the Fresh Prince of Ben Aire….not really sure what that meant, but I will try anything..and so I went for it. Forgetting I was wearing a long dress, I jump up confidently into a pike position before I begin the scene.
Me (on floor): (opens eyes and sees ceiling and 8 terrified faces hovering over me)
Creative team: Oh My God!! Are you ok? Should we call 911????
Me: Um…who am I? No…I mean…I am fine. I meant to do that.
Creative Team: I think you have a concussion.
Me: I am pretty sure you are correct about this.
***I did end up with a small concussion. and this was before I put on the roller skates. Again, didn’t book the job. very strange.
This brings me to another story my friend Danny just told me about a particularly awkward audition he had recently;
Danny: So…during “Why God Why” they made the accompanist play the ENTIRE 40 bar musical montage!
Me: Oh God….so what did you do??
Danny: I walked over to the piano, started to sweat, and tried to feel something.
I do hear about hilariously bad auditions from time to time, but I kiiiiind of feel I may have the monopoly on these. Just saying.