Kimmy in the City

Here are some of the experiences that eventually led me to the conclusion that………………….

………………I’m D list

.

1) I was listening to my IPOD on random today when a song from my demo came on. My IPOD said “Unknown Artist”. Even my ipod doesn’t know who I am.  D list

2) Homeless man on the corner of 45th and 10th looked up at me with his drunk eyes and quietly said, “Loser.” Then he casually looked away and took another swig of his .40 wrapped delicately in a blood stained T shirt.  A homeless crackhead called me a loser.  D list.

3) The last time I did match.com, I put both New York and Chicago as my places of residency.  I signed on one day to find that my “Match.com Match of the Day” was……..my brother.  seriously.  D List

4) After weighing my carry-on bag and arguing about whether or not I should be allowed to keep it (since it was juuuuuust a hair over the size quota), the flight attendant made me check my bags. She then charged me 25.00 per bag.  And then lost them.  I paid 50.00 to never see my bags again. D list

5) Last year around this time I was rollerblading down the path on the hudson river when I came across a baseball field chalk full of extremely attractive men.  I decide to show off and do a trick from my ice skating days as I approached the field. I did it……and landed in a large patch of sand. I then face planted into said patch of sand.  They all looked. And then they all laughed.  D list

   6) I am on a date a few years back. It’s the end of the night and I am with a boy I really like trying my best to be coy and mysterious. We say our goodbye’s. Our hands slide away from each other. I look at him with my best bedroom eyes, do a seductive pivot, and turn to walk into my building. And that’s exactly what I did….walked directly into my building. I walked straight into the just-cleaned-couldn’t-tell-it-was-there plate glass door and smacked my face with gusto. And then my nose bled.  Not so sexy.  D list.

7) I walk into the Deli downstairs and the friendly pakistani owner immediately grabs a pint of Oatmeal Cookie Chunk ice cream and 2 chocolate chip cookies and says, “Here.  I ring up for you!”  The deli owner has memorized the flavors of the feelings that I eat.

8.) I am in 7th grade and totally crushing on Dave Cio. I leave my 4th period sewing class to go to the bathroom.  Who do I run into ALONE in the hallway?…none other than Dave Cio in the flesh.  Well, I feel particularly hot today since I am wearing the polyester pink and green triangles shirt I sewed last week in class paired brilliantly with my favorite acid wash jeans tight rolled to perfection. AND on top of all that hotness, I achieved quite possibly the PERFECT bang poof that morning.  I. Am. Smokin’. So I see Dave. He sees me. He approaches.  My heart starts to flutter uncontrollably. We start to flirt and make awkward small talk.  Then he says something totally hilarious. I burst out laughing and without warning I let one rip. Loudly.  All laughter ceases. Dave stares at me with a “Did that just happen??” look written all over his face. I immediately turn and run back to sewing class. Dave Cio never dated me.  D list.

9) I was in a taxi on my way to the airport when a truck smashed into the side of our taxi.  I slammed into the plastic partition.  After the shock and surprise wore off, I collected myself and pried the door open to get out. The driver looks at me and says, “It’s 10.50″.  My driver illegally ran a red light and then asked me to pay for being hit by a truck.  D list.

10) I decide to treat myself and get pampered a little, so I make an appointment to get my first ever bikini wax. I had the flu for the 2 days leading up to the appointment, but felt totally fine that day and decided to go ahead with it. On the way to the salon I start to have that all-too-familiar warmth in my abdomen and nausea begins to creep up my body.  So, I run into a starbucks and get sick for roughly 15 minutes.  I seriously debated about whether or not to cancel, but since I felt much better after that last bout, I forged on.  I collect myself, swished around some mouthwash from my purse, and went into the salon.  After 10 of the most painful minutes of my entire life, the Asian wax Nazi tells me to, “flee ovah” I look at her blankly and say, “Flee ova? What do you mean?” Exasperatedly, she says louder ….”FLEE OVAH” Then she forcefully turns me onto my stomach. Please note that I am completely naked at this point.  I am very confused since I had always believed my vagina to be in the front. I turn my head to look at her and say, “Why am I on my back???” She says, “You Choose bazillion wax, no?” Bazillion? Did I accidentally sign up for a bazillion waxes?  Wait….is that even an actual number? (light bulb moment) “OH you mean BRAZILIAN wax! Yes….I did sign up for that. Which brings me back to my question…..why am I on my stomach??”  She says, “Bazallion wax is ebedeesing” and motions to my ass.  Terror begins violently coursing through my veins as I mentally  kick myself for only skimming the Information packet which included an in-depth break down of each procedure. “It’s Ok Kim….you have gotten this far.  How much worse could your ass feel than your bageeen, right??” So I resign to it, put my face on the pillow, and brace for the first strip of satin to be ripped from my flesh.  2 minutes later…..nothing. Asian Nazi gets up and leaves the room. Does she not like my butt??  Does she think my thighs are too fat to wax?  Do I smell???????? Oh God I must really be grotesque for my waxer to get up and walk out on her…I just figured  that since she was paid, she HAD to say.  Guess not.  Oh! Nazi Waxer walks back into the room holding a white box and singing sweetly to herself.  Glad someone is in a chipper mood while I am lying here completely exposed with half my vagina waxed and my ass in the air. So She opens the mysterious box and out comes a smaller package.  I can’t quite read it from here but I could SWEAR it says Baby Wipes.  She walks in closer and It becomes clear that she is holding a giant package of Johnson & Johnson baby wipes. She precedes to take a fistful of these and wipe out my ass.  like an infant.  I, clearly confused, ask her if this is normal procedure for a brazilian wax. She replies, “Nope”. Awesome. I can count on my hand how many times I have actually been at a loss for words.  This was one of those times.      Update: Kim immediately aborted procedure and quickly threw on her clothes looking as though she just escaped a deadly pubic brush fire with only minor cuts and burns. She Left the salon. And never returned. D list

So that folks, is what it feels like to live your life on the D list.  If you think you may also be suffering from DLISTitis, call your local emergency room immediately.  You can never be too prepared though, so I always recommend making a DList emergency kit to store in your home at all times.  Here are things you may want to include

1) Vodka

2) kleenex to dry your tears

3) Copious amounts of Chocolate

4) Tequila

5)A funny friend (having a funny midget friend would really be ideal so he/she will fit into the kit.)

6)A picture of Amy Winehouse to remind you that things could always be worse.

7) Cupcakes

8.) Star wars lunch box

9)Mean Girls DVD

10) Rum

10) Coke

12) chia pet

13) Chelsea Handler

14) taco bell bean burrito supreme

15) A plunger

16) a snuggie

17) the slapchop

18) a hooker

Well, I think that just about covers it.  Start to gather these materials and put them in a safe, dry place. Godspeed.