Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned….it’s been 2 years since my last blog. And I’ve done a lot of real dumb shit since then.
I wish I could say that the reason for this aforementioned lapse in time is due to my fast-paced-obscenely-famous-doing-really-important-shit-that-famous-people-do lifestyle, but the reasons have more to do with napping and sandwiches.
So much has happened to me in the last two years…I scarcely know where to begin. Because of obvious time and space constraints (and the fact that I have to pee pretty badly), I’m forced to give you the truncated version. So, without further adieu, I present to you [in no particular order] my life in summary 2009-2011 edition: love, loss, Justin Bieber, tampon, hamburgers, tattoo, puppy, mid-terms, crippling diarrhea, Charlie Sheen, laughter, tears, tequila, unicorns. How must it feel to live the life of a Rockstar, you ask? It feels good. thanks for asking. And while we’re on the topic of sexually-addicted United States Representatives with ironic names…..Anthony Weiner.
Hm, what else? Well, I don’t have an iPhone yet. or aids. So…..there’s that. And oh, I got my school-based internship for next year….turns out I’m gonna be a career counselor which, if you know me, is pretty awesome.
Eager College Graduate: “What should I do with my life!?”
Me: “Marry well?”
Wide-eyed Graduate #2: “How can I be successful and afford to live in Manhattan??”
Me: “Um, duh….ask your mom for money.”
I’m obviously very excited for this new endeavor. There’s a good chance I may ruin some careers and/or lives….but on the upside, I’ll probably get some great blog material……worth it!!
Ok, I must leave you now. Parting is such sweet sorrow. Which rhymes with tomorrow. Which means that it’s laundry day. Which means….well, nothing really.
Don’t fret, my friends….I will be updating my blog each and every fortnight from here on out…..just as soon as I figure out what I fortnight is.
Before I go, I’ll leave you with this timeless proverb by one of the most insightful, enlightening artists of our time..
“My Neck, my back. Lick my p**sy and my crack” ~Khia
