Kimmy in the City

Today, I typed an essay on my friend’s computer, so she forwarded it to me in a email and she made the subject “here bitch” as a joke. I then went to email the essay to my teacher. I forwarded it thinking nothing of it only to realize that I didn’t change the subject name. ~Fmylife.com

So, as we all know, times are tough right bow bla bla. I have decided to blame the recession for anything and everything that goes wrong in my life. Getting fat? it’s the recession. Walk into a glass door thinking it was open (true story)?…Recession. The theme of every actor I know seems to be “crap…what should I do with my life now” It hasn’t really occurred to any of us until now that we may have to actually make money and support ourselves some day. I mean, how DARE my parents tell me I need to get a job and stop living off their payroll. I mean…..I’m only 29!!!! So, I did a little personal inventory this summer. I sat down with a pen and paper and began listing all of my other talents and areas of expertise. The finished product read as follows: Talents:

1) Facebook,

2) Eating large quantities of dessert,

3) Bedazzling useless things.

Oddly enough, I did some research and found out that none of these things pay. Weird. So, I did some more thinking and realized that I have always gravitated toward crazy people. I am in theater after all, so quantities are not scarce. So, I proudly decided that I would heal the crazies and thus save the world from ultimate destruction. I was on such a high from this revelation that I triumphantly volunteered with the New York State Psychiatric Hospital. From there, I was assigned to help out with teenagers at the psychiatric hospital in-patient high school. PERFECT! I loved high school. This will be a breeze. I show up 10 minutes early with a smile of my face and a spring in my step just THINKING about how grateful these kids will be when I heal them and make the world a better place. I mean, I am SUCH a good person, right??! I walk in the door and announce that I am Kim! And I am here…let the healing begin!!!! A wad of paper is immediately hurled at my head. Strangely enough, the experience doesn’t play out exactly as I had imagined. it was less…tears of joy and changing people’s lives , and more ….verbal assaults and things thrown at my body (these have included, but are not limited to, spitballs, gum, a book, wads of paper, and an orange.) Here is a typical conversation;

Kim: “Hi! Can I help you with your homework?”

asshole adolescent: “Go fuck yourself”

Kim: (blinks silently) or

Teacher: “Kim, can you show them how to solve this equation while I have a meeting with (insert crazy student’s name)?”

Kim: (Stares at freshman year math problem realizing she has no idea how to solve it. Then realizes that is sad)

So, after a few months there I was feeling quite under-appreciated, and I asked to volunteer with another unit. Fortunately, there was an opening in a different area and, before I knew it, I was all set up to conduct patient interviews……in the anorexia ward. I think I could possibly be the worst person for this job. Instead of taking notes about their triggers and day to day problems in the ward, I find myself wanting to ask, “So….can you give me any diet tips??” I am in awe of their will power when I cannot end my passionate love affair with ice cream. I also get assignments on other wards from time to time, and was put with a patient on the schizophrenia a few weeks back. This was my first experience on that ward;

Kim: “Ok so, what do you to in your free time? Read books? Magazines?”

Crazy schizo patient: “No..they won’t let me have books or magazines here”

Kim: “Really?? why? That seems odd.”

Crazy schizo: “Cause I tend make them into weapons and put people in the hospital.” ****note that I had given him paper and a pen (which I found out later he also “tends” to use to stab people with)

Kim: (frantically looks around for closest exit)

Crazy schizo: (sensing my terror): “Oh…don’t worry I haven’t done that in over a week.”

“Today, I met this really attractive guy who introduced himself as Wyan. He was really cool and sweet and we got along pretty well. Then someone informed me that his name is Ryan and that he has a speech impediment, AFTER I had been referring to him as Wyan for quite some time.”~www.fmylife.com

This quote today reminded me of my freshman year of college. I was at some lame Orientation event sitting in a group of people introducing ourselves. Let me preface this by saying we were all acting students…and usually when someone says they are an actor, one can infer that they probably possess a relatively high communication skill set. So anyway, we are all going around the circle introducing ourselves and telling stories when we get to this guy who, in the middle of his introduction, starts to stutter a bit. Now I don’t know about you, but my mind works really fast and I tend to switch from topic to topic with lightening speed. Because of this, I get twisted in my words from time to time. So, I start to giggle and yell “Ta Ta Ta Today Junior!!!!” (a line from one of the most profound movies of our time…Billy Madison). No one laughs. About an hour later we leave the group and my friend tells me that the kid I yelled at has a SERIOUS stuttering problem. He was eventually cut from the program as a result. oops.

Another story that could have been ripped from the pages of fmylife happened the same year as the story above. My mom had this good friend who worked at school with her. She just adored this woman and had been trying to set me up with her son, TJ, for years. Well, TJ eventually moved to New York and I was going to be up there for an audition one weekend, so my mom took it upon herself to give me his number and begged me to meet up with him. She was so excited and convinced we were going to fall instantly in love and get married. I decided “hey, what do I have to lose??” and called him. I was kind of nervous, so I dragged my friend Natalie to the bar with me as my wingwoman of sorts. Well, TJ shows up and he’s gorgeous and funny all in one. I did a silent shout out to my mother as I shook his hand. 2 Minutes later I was also shaking the hand of Beth….his girlfriend.

So my friend asked me to do Speed dating and I initially said no because A) I think the people that would do it are probably semi-crazy, and B) I don’t want a boyfriend at this juncture….and certainly not one I’d meet at speed-dating.  Well, I started thinking about what a fantastic blog it would make and decided to go ahead and do it.  Blog to come….stay tuned.

There is this Tranny in the grocery store that is so much hotter than me….I never know whether to plunge a stake into my left ventricle or ask her for makeup tips. Only in New York would someone be in line between a woman with a 3 legged dog and a fierce Tranny holding a Louis Vuitton. On a completely different note, here are some things I find highly annoying of late that I would like to share:

Miley Cyrus: What is obsession with this girl?? She cannot sing, dance, or act, her father is a creepy D list mullet wearing has-been, her face looks like a vagina, and she seems to have diarrhea of the mouth http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-09-miley-apologizes-again-for-racially-offensive-photo-this-time-she-means-it Call me crazy but I just don’t get it.

Elizabitch Hasselback: This is obvious and doesn’t need much explanation. It’s as if someone took a voice recorder to Fox news and played it back each morning on a deceptively adorable human electronic device. God, if you are out there please hear my wish…make her womb barren and stop the procreating!

People listening to every 399092342 ring tone on their cell phone on subway. Note to offenders….this is obnoxious and everyone on train hates you.

School kids at 3 PM on same subway: Just to clear up any confusion you may have, your friends are actually NOT hearing impaired. And they are standing 6 centimeters away from you. Save your vocal chords. You may need them in the future. For your one phone call…in jail

Republicans. nuff said

People who find pleasure from posting every callback and audition in their facebook status updates. No one cares… and chances are we make fun of you. A lot.

Line jumpers: no cuts no butts no coconuts.

People obsessed with their miniscule dogs: I am going to clue you in on a little secret…God gave them fur for a reason. No need to dress them in puffy down jackets, velour tracksuits, and ugg boots. Oh, and chances are you think your animal is MUCH cuter than anyone else does…we are simply being polite.

Mean homeless people: Here is an actual conversation I had the other day with said person. Homeless man: “Can you spare a dollar”
Me: “Sorry. I am broke.”
Homeless Man: “Fuck you. It’s only a dollar”
Me: (blinks in silence)
2 words…anger management.

“Dr.” Phil: Newsflash….You are in no condition to be doling out “tough love” advice to fat people. You are one of them. die.

Judgmental Asian manicurists: Even though we do not speak your language, we are still very much aware that you are talking smack about us… mostly from the way you gesture to us, say something in your indistinguishable language of Asian descent, then crack up with your friend. offensive.

Delivery men on bikes: I know I am relatively insignificant in this city, but I do value my life and I know my mom would probably be pretty upset if I died. SO I would appreciate it if you could brake…or at least make it look like you are attempting to brake before you run me over. Thanks.

Time Warner Cable maintenance men: I would like to introduce you to my friend, Deodorant. I think you two could have a beautiful future together.

The annoying host on the Bachelor: Please find a new way to say “the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER” It’s the 678th season and this has not changed. I will give you some helpful suggestions….”A rose ceremony just like every other one where we take ridiculously long pauses and edit to make it look remotely interesting when in reality, it isn’t.” Feel free to use

Poor Broadway…..she has gone from a healthy size 14 down to a size 2. It’s pretty awesome for me cause instead of 6 equity jobs available each year, there will be 1.5 (the .5 obviously referring to the union midget) So, upon losing my day job, boyfriend, waistline, and dignity, I have really tried to make myself productive each day.
A typical day in the life of Kimmy begins around 1 PM when she rolls out of bed (and by rolls out of bed she means sits up, turns on the DVR’d View and opens her computer.) She will begin by responding to all her fellow unemployed actor friends’ posts on facebook from the night before (night=1AM-5 AM) This may include sharing youtube video’s of retarded people falling, reading status updates, posting embarrassing pictures, and commenting on various pages. After this commences, she will promptly check every celebrity blog to see who is getting fat, making an ass of themselves, flashing their vaginas exiting vehicles, or crashing their car. Her stomach will begin rumbling and since her diet began that morning she will begin with a sensible breakfast. After said breakfast is consumed, she will get a craving for french fries and pizza and order them from deli (downstairs). There will undoubtedly be some reality show on television that she will giggle at while checking her email for the next hour or so. Then she will have made plans with other unemployed actors to go out to lunch/coffee/walk to complain about their lack of structure and lack of available jobs and bemoan their frustrating careers. This conversation usually lasts somewhere between 1 and 3 hours always with the same outcome….
Kim: “What the hell else are we gonna do with our lives?”
Fellow disgruntled actor friend: “I don’t know. shit.”
Kim: “I feel fat.”
FDAF: “Me too.”
Kim:”….I’m hungry…wanna go eat?”
FDAF: “Ya!”
After the outing of the day, Kim will obviously be tired and need to take a nap. When she wakes up she will eat something non-diet friendly since her diet will begin tomorrow, and facestalk some more. There will then be primetime Television/movie watching that will occur until “night” when it all begins again.

We all know how weird the NY subway can be and my experience last night did not disappoint. Here is a blog I posted last year that I still feel is quite relevant. I was 38% sure that I was being punked, just looking around expecting to see Aston jump out at any moment. So, without further adieu Kimmy’s rules for NY subway etiquette:

1.) Please, please for the love of God remember that deodorant is your friend people. Friend, not foe.
2.) If the subway is crowded and there is .08 of a centimeter in between 2 seats, do not, and I repeat do not try to sandwich yourself between the 2 poor souls sitting in them. Especially if you are chubby or haven’t mastered number 1 on this list.
3.) If you happen to be homeless and are hoping to score some money from the passengers, you may want to refrain from slurring your speech, screaming obscenities at them, and drinking from a .40 wrapped in a brown paper bag while trying to do so. Just a suggestion.
4.) I am all for chit chat to make the commute go by a little quicker, but please, lets try to use our “inside voices” a bit more so the other passengers don’t rupture an eardrum. (This is especially relevant oh, say, around 3 pm on school days).
5.) Gum smackers. Yes, you know who you are. Gum is meant to be enjoyed for it’s flavor….Chewed ( mouth closed) until flavor dissipates, whereupon it should be disposed of into a trash receptacle This is not to be confused with smacking, chomping, blowing, cracking, or slurping the gum. (This applies to food as well) In case you didn’t get the memo, we are, in fact, people….not cows. Who knew?
6.) Ipods….Yes, I love my ipod. I listen to it at a reasonable volume. You should also try this. When the person sitting next to you is covering his/her ears and pulsating to the rhythm of your techno music, this may be an indication you should click it down a notch …or 20.
7.) Altoids….lets make these our friends too. Especially during rush hour when we are all up in each other’s business.
8.) Singing…..So, again, I am a full believer using song as one’s creative outlet. This is, in fact, my profession after all. Singing brings joy to so many, I know. Unfortunately, when you are shoved into a tiny tube filled with sweaty, tired people, no one else will feel this joy. More than likely, they will probably veer more towards disgust or disdain. You are not alone. Remember…you are, in fact, in public.
***Especially relevant if you happen to be tone deaf.
9.) If it is raining and your umbrella is soaked, putting it onto the seat next to you just doesn’t make much sense….especially when I come along and sit on, it only to find my ass all wet. It is not fun to look like you peed yourself.
10.) If you have a screaming child that requires a 50 foot stroller complete with drawers, shelving units, and a small island attached to the back, please take a taxi. Or better yet, hire a babysitter.
That’s it for tonight. And please, ride safely

Not really sure how you begin a blog so I’ll simply start by introducing myself to….well…myself, I guess. I live in the weirdest city in the world in a profession that makes Tranny Midget pole dancing look relatively normal. I have a weird fascination with all books and movies relating to the Holocaust and a love for music that makes you want to take a warm bath with razor blades. I tend to eat my feelings (they are usually pretty delicious), and get a sick pleasure out of popping pimples. (come on….don’t even TRY to tell me you don’t feel a moment of sheer exhilaration as the white stuff shoots out at the mirror…..no?….hm…) I feel that Tylenol PM and Oatmeal cookie chunk ice cream are proof that Jesus loves us, and sometimes I forget that I am not actually friends with LC, Audrina, The real housewives of Atlanta, and Rachel Zoe. If I had a quarter for every time I told myself that my diet starts tomorrow I’d be living on Park Avenue. Clowns freak the shit out of me…in a related story; I was home in Chicago last year driving late at night when I came to a stoplight only to look next to me and see a car FILLED with clowns. I screamed and hauled ass through the red light and have never been the same. I’m 81% sure I have a mild case of ADD.
Some of my favorite things in NYC; the neighborhood homeless man with an Ipod, the fact that a man with a mullet dressed only in banana hammocks and boots holding a guitar can stand in the middle of times square and become famous, the ease in which one can eavesdrop on other people’s cell phone conversations and hear things like “No seriously…he wanted to put it up my poopchute!”, weird chemical sugar substances NY’ers happily accept as “ice cream”, the street “store” on my block that sells dolls with no heads (for 3 dollars!), 1 shoe (pretty sure they are supposed to be a set), A Paula Abdul “straight up and tell me” single cassette tape, and a Jem lunchbox (truly truly truly outrageous, outrageous….ok so ya, I have considered buying it, so sue me), the drunk preachers of the Gospel on the A train (”And sjesus say bress me fo i harve sind), and the fact that even the mice here are assholes…I swear I saw one roll it’s eyes in disgust and I tried to launch a surprise attack with my stiletto, and being in line behind a drag queen at the grocery store just isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
I can usually be found making an ass of myself at an audition, making love to my DVR, or stalking people on facebook. Between eating, stalking people online, and reality TV-watching, I have very little time to do much else.
Ok I think I am done for today. Off to find out what crucial celebrity news I have missed.

xo
Kimmy

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