So I have this casting director friend here who told a story about a guy who recently came by the office to drop off his resume, which was packed with assloads of Broadway Credits. Under the “Broadway/New York” category, the guy had like 25 shows with “Original Cast” next to it. Why is this even remotely interesting you ask? Because half of these shows happened before 1975. He was 22 years old. Apparently this adorably delusional psycho honestly believed that he had created these roles…roles that existed long before he was even in Utero. I mean, let’s be honest…..most actors are completely nuts….but this is above and beyond the “I’m a fucking nutbag” spectrum that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of. It also made me wonder what separates us “normal” folk from the crazies in the psych ward where I intern. Most of the internship involves talking with patients one on one, so I have gotten a chance to know them a little. Many of them have simply had a bad year, become depressed about their current situation, and just needed a place to go where they could get help and have people to talk to. Ummmmm…..this sounds like 95% of the people I know. I mean, if I look around while I am at any given audition, I will see a weird guy doing ballet barre in one corner, a girl wearing the whore-gear equivalent of a bra, underwear, and fish net stockings under the guise of “dance wear” doing a comedic monologue to herself in another corner (which basically looks like she is having a really hilarious conversation with a wall), and a “I was a geek in high school, but now that I’m a straight man in theater I get more ass in 1 week than most men get in a lifetime” guy singing a ballad to himself on the opposite side of the room (more to attract actresses who’ll eventually be dropping their panties when they realize this man likes to touch boobies, than to practice for his Miss Saigon appointment). If you think about it, Chelsea Studios is more of a psych ward than the New York State Psychiatric Institute.

On this note, I think it’s kind of funny that boys who perform in theater during their adolescence are generally made fun of for taking part in a “gay” extra curricular activity. But what their naysayers don’t realize is that being a straight man in theater is the proverbial Cash Cow….it’s basically like shooting fish in a barrel. Go ahead and slap it with the stereotype of “effeminate”, but I guarantee you these less-than-extraordinary-looking guys are getting twice the amount of the sexy time than any other guy out there.

And the funniest thing is that manly sports like football, wresting, and gymnastics are actually much more gay than singing and dancing.
Take wrestling for instance….so you have two guys wearing tiny spandex onesies rolling around on top of one another with the other dude’s balls in their face. Ummm…k.
And football….again with the spandex and balls in your face as you jump on top of other spandex-wearing dudes.
And gymnastics? Learning a choreographed floor routine in…..what?…..yup, you guessed it!…..SPANDEX. Im sorry, how are these not homo-friendly extra curriculars? 
Lesson learned today?
1) Join the local drama club and, unless you are a short-bus-riding douche, you will get laid….and probably by a girl that is much more attractive than you are.
2) If you are going to lie on your resume, make sure you research the dates of the roles you “created”. Oh, and make sure the people who actually DID create the roles aren’t extremely famous.
3) If you are a connoisseur of balls, you should join the wrestling team
4) If you are a crazy person you have 1 of 2 choices; commit yourself to a psych ward, or go into theater.

I thought I’d dedicate this post to my fellow recession auditionees. As you can tell from my earlier posts, being in theater is tough enough when the economy isn’t a giant pile of feces and there are more than 2 regional theaters open around the country.  I know this economy is hard on everyone bla bla bla, but I must say we have it the worst.  In recent years, I would simply wait for appointments from my agent, and every once in a while scoot into a chorus call when I couldn’t get appointments.  For those of you who do not know the equity theater audition process, it’s broken down like this;      

If you cannot get an appt from your agent, you sign up on a list the week before the aud and show up that day to get your number. Easy as giving a snickers to a fat kid, right?  Well, since 29834729834723 regional theater’s have closed and the ones still not bankrupt are casting primarily non-equity performers, we sad, broke actors are desperate to work.  So now we are auditioning with the mass influx of recently unemployed broadway actors as well as the usual 300.  Going to a chorus call (which is what many of us have to do now that agent appointments are becoming scarce) is like volunteering to have your arm amputated….without anesthesia. 

    Here is a typical day at a chorus call:

Walk into grossly overcrowded 400 degree room packed with sweaty, annoyed-they-have-to-go-back-to-chorus-calls women who have just woken up and are likely to be wearing curlers and a half face of makeup lugging a giant suitcase full of dance shoes.

The monitor begins reading the 45699298987 names on the list while people push forward to try to hear their name called

There is nowhere to sit, so you cram between two girls you think can support your weight. When your name is called (always at the end) you trip, scramble, push, and choke people to get from the back of the room to get your card.  

You are sweating profusely.

Your card reads 306.  Awesome.

Now you fill out the lame chorus call card with every show you have ever done bla bla bla.

Then you wait……and wait…….and wait.  At any chorus call  you are likely to hear the following topics from the people sitting around to you;

1) Shows they’ve booked.  

2) Shows they’d like to book.

3) Shows that they were down to the VERY end for. And they swear that the only reason the other girl got it was because she knew the director.

4) Diets they are on.  

5) Diets they have tried.

6) Diets they want to try.

7) How fat they are.

8.) Where they got their highlights and tanning bed package.

9) That they heard from Bob who heard from Fred that this casting agent wants to hear legit today. Then will repeatedly ask each other what they plan to sing.

10) How their rep book sucks and that they have no music.

11) How fat they look in this dress.

12) Gossip about other actors. 

13) How they hate the business. 

14) Discussions about alternate careers (subsequently all landing on ones that actually pay LESS than theater, if that’s even possible…ssssssh don’t tell them)

15) Their sex lives. 

16) Their agents.

17) Musical theater men who aren’t gay (this is usually a short conversation).

18) Being in debt.

So, your number is finally called (16 hours later) and you get in line to sing 6 bars of music (the equivalent of 3 words in a sentence).

 You wait in line then open the door to a room full of casting people so bored they want to stab themselves. They are probably also eating sandwiches and Facebooking while you stand before them.

You open your mouth and sing.

You are finished 4 seconds later.

You thank them.

They ignore you.

You leave the room as the next girl walks in.

You  swear you are changing your profession tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes. You go to a chorus call.

I have included some pictures indicative of the mood at recent auditions (generously donated by Ashley Linton)

Poor Broadway…..she has gone from a healthy size 14 down to a size 2. It’s pretty awesome for me cause instead of 6 equity jobs available each year, there will be 1.5 (the .5 obviously referring to the union midget) So, upon losing my day job, boyfriend, waistline, and dignity, I have really tried to make myself productive each day.
A typical day in the life of Kimmy begins around 1 PM when she rolls out of bed (and by rolls out of bed she means sits up, turns on the DVR’d View and opens her computer.) She will begin by responding to all her fellow unemployed actor friends’ posts on facebook from the night before (night=1AM-5 AM) This may include sharing youtube video’s of retarded people falling, reading status updates, posting embarrassing pictures, and commenting on various pages. After this commences, she will promptly check every celebrity blog to see who is getting fat, making an ass of themselves, flashing their vaginas exiting vehicles, or crashing their car. Her stomach will begin rumbling and since her diet began that morning she will begin with a sensible breakfast. After said breakfast is consumed, she will get a craving for french fries and pizza and order them from deli (downstairs). There will undoubtedly be some reality show on television that she will giggle at while checking her email for the next hour or so. Then she will have made plans with other unemployed actors to go out to lunch/coffee/walk to complain about their lack of structure and lack of available jobs and bemoan their frustrating careers. This conversation usually lasts somewhere between 1 and 3 hours always with the same outcome….
Kim: “What the hell else are we gonna do with our lives?”
Fellow disgruntled actor friend: “I don’t know. shit.”
Kim: “I feel fat.”
FDAF: “Me too.”
Kim:”….I’m hungry…wanna go eat?”
FDAF: “Ya!”
After the outing of the day, Kim will obviously be tired and need to take a nap. When she wakes up she will eat something non-diet friendly since her diet will begin tomorrow, and facestalk some more. There will then be primetime Television/movie watching that will occur until “night” when it all begins again.