So I have this casting director friend here who told a story about a guy who recently came by the office to drop off his resume, which was packed with assloads of Broadway Credits. Under the “Broadway/New York” category, the guy had like 25 shows with “Original Cast” next to it. Why is this even remotely interesting you ask? Because half of these shows happened before 1975. He was 22 years old. Apparently this adorably delusional psycho honestly believed that he had created these roles…roles that existed long before he was even in Utero. I mean, let’s be honest…..most actors are completely nuts….but this is above and beyond the “I’m a fucking nutbag” spectrum that most of us fall somewhere in the middle of. It also made me wonder what separates us “normal” folk from the crazies in the psych ward where I intern. Most of the internship involves talking with patients one on one, so I have gotten a chance to know them a little. Many of them have simply had a bad year, become depressed about their current situation, and just needed a place to go where they could get help and have people to talk to. Ummmmm…..this sounds like 95% of the people I know. I mean, if I look around while I am at any given audition, I will see a weird guy doing ballet barre in one corner, a girl wearing the whore-gear equivalent of a bra, underwear, and fish net stockings under the guise of “dance wear” doing a comedic monologue to herself in another corner (which basically looks like she is having a really hilarious conversation with a wall), and a “I was a geek in high school, but now that I’m a straight man in theater I get more ass in 1 week than most men get in a lifetime” guy singing a ballad to himself on the opposite side of the room (more to attract actresses who’ll eventually be dropping their panties when they realize this man likes to touch boobies, than to practice for his Miss Saigon appointment). If you think about it, Chelsea Studios is more of a psych ward than the New York State Psychiatric Institute.
On this note, I think it’s kind of funny that boys who perform in theater during their adolescence are generally made fun of for taking part in a “gay” extra curricular activity. But what their naysayers don’t realize is that being a straight man in theater is the proverbial Cash Cow….it’s basically like shooting fish in a barrel. Go ahead and slap it with the stereotype of “effeminate”, but I guarantee you these less-than-extraordinary-looking guys are getting twice the amount of the sexy time than any other guy out there.
And the funniest thing is that manly sports like football, wresting, and gymnastics are actually much more gay than singing and dancing.
Take wrestling for instance….so you have two guys wearing tiny spandex onesies rolling around on top of one another with the other dude’s balls in their face. Ummm…k.
And football….again with the spandex and balls in your face as you jump on top of other spandex-wearing dudes.
And gymnastics? Learning a choreographed floor routine in…..what?…..yup, you guessed it!…..SPANDEX. Im sorry, how are these not homo-friendly extra curriculars?
Lesson learned today?
1) Join the local drama club and, unless you are a short-bus-riding douche, you will get laid….and probably by a girl that is much more attractive than you are.
2) If you are going to lie on your resume, make sure you research the dates of the roles you “created”. Oh, and make sure the people who actually DID create the roles aren’t extremely famous.
3) If you are a connoisseur of balls, you should join the wrestling team
4) If you are a crazy person you have 1 of 2 choices; commit yourself to a psych ward, or go into theater.
