Kimmy in the City » NYC

1…2…3….4…..The Bachelor is a douchey Whore

Kimmy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:53:44 +0000

Wow. Tonight’s Bachelor…I don’t even know where to begin. I thought it took a giant, steaming pile-of–diarrhea turn for the worse after the most-annoying-host-ever-to-have-lived, Chris, announced that “Out of respect for the parties involved, there will be no audience here tonight.” This was said just before Jason broke up with Melissa……on national television. I mean…. obviously having your fiancee dump you the plain ‘ol run-of-the-mill way just wasn’t dramatic enough for ABC. I did learn some very interesting things though…

1) Jason is a douche.

2)Breaking up with someone on national television isn’t hilarious.

3)If you are a man, having a child is probably the best way to get laid. If you do not wish to have one, rent one. Man with child= instant panty dropper.

4)Crying buys men brownie points…..up to a certain point. After this threshold is crossed, we begin to search for your vagina.

As I watched him break down into tears like a little bitch for the 398th time tonight, I got to thinking….women love when men show their emotional side, have the occasional cry, and basically just let us know they, too, have certain a degree of fragility/vulnerability to them. But after a while I was like…..dude….this guy is a giant pussy. It made me want to turn off the tv. At that point I knew there was a SERIOUS problem ……somethings gotta be REALLY bad for me to turn off reality television.

I mean…the great thing about this show is that there have been 264 “Bachelor” and “Bachelorettes”, and only 1 of them has actually lasted more than 3 months….and that is only because Trista married a borderline retarded fireman who finds it hard to complete sentences without drooling, let alone form the thoughts required to disagree with his wife. Oh, and ABC?…please stop bringing them back to comment on every single season. They are highly irritating (although watching Ryan sit while his wife talks and look around the room as if he’s chasing an invisible butterfly is kind of amusing).

So, why are we still so fascinated with this show when we know it’s as likely for the couple to stay together as I am to wake up tomorrow and be tan? My theory…. because technology has made dating virtually impossible. Back in the good ol days of yester and yore in the mid-90’s, we had no blackberry, facebook, twitter, myspace, friendster, unlimited text messaging, and instant messaging….so dating was pretty straightforward. I mean….if someone was interested in you, they’d call or ask you to eat food products and/or imbibe with them. Or if you lived in caveman times, a man would hit you over a head with his club and pull you back to his cave by your hair. sigh…those were such simpler times. There was no guessing game. Today, the lines of communication and signals get so blurred with our constant accessibility. I hear girls frequently asking, “If he doesn’t call, but he texts and facebook’s but doesn’t myspace…is he interested??” The answer….who the hell knows? I sure as shit don’t. My friend Alison told me about “The Penis Theory” today, which basically means that a guy does whatever his penis tells him to. This sounds a little ridiculous but let me tell you…it’s that simple. It sorta goes right along with the overly publicized book, “He’s Just Not That Into You” except replace “He’s” with “His Penis”. If Mr. Winkie gets up to shake your hand, he’s into you. If not, go find another sleeping penis who’ll get up to say hello. Easy as pie. Alison, you are a genius. Crap, now I want pie. dammit.

xoxo, Kimmy

Laguna Bitch

Kimmy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:48:47 +0000

So, I was watching Laguna Beach reruns on the N Network last night and found myself A) Feeling jealous of 17 year olds, B) Realizing it’s sad that I was feeling jealous of 18 year olds, and C) Realizing it’s sadder that I was watching the “N-network for teens” at 29 than it was to be feeling jealous of them.

Why was I jealous you ask? This is a good question. Besides the obvious reasons like cellulite free thighs, boobs leaping proudly into the air, free rent, and the metabolism of a coked up gerbil…they have a completely clean slate and are still so excited about the possibilities that life has to offer. I realize that I am not a blue plate special drink-your-meals senior citizen at this point, but I look back at that time with fondness and excitement, and I long for the days that I could daydream about having the perfect little life in this the city of infinite possibilities. Not that being an out- of-work, single, reality TV obsessed, sugar-addicted actor wasn’t EXACTLY what I meant by “living the perfect little life”, but I have lived just long enough to become a wee bit jaded. You can ALWAYS tell the fresh-out-of-college newbies at every audition. “I LOVE MUSICAL THEATRE!!!!” is practically radiating from their pores. And although we all roll our eyes in distain at their vomit-inducing green-ness, I know deep down we are secretly envious of them….even if the urge to punch them in their ovaries is very, very strong.

On a totally different note, I was having a discussion with my friend Jessica the other day about the world’s most disgusting professions (clearly we have a lot of time on our hands), and we both immediately agreed that being a proctologist wins the prize. I mean…. I understand gynecologists choose to look at vaginas all day long because they also get to bring babies into the world…..but how does one sit up one day and exclaim, “I want to be an ass doctor!!” What is the pay off there? As if probing people’s asses all day wasn’t bad enough, you are going to be probing asses with ISSUES. Someone with a normal healthy asshole does not make an appt to see a proctologist…there has to be something funky going on down there. Jesus Christ on a cross, I can’t even imagine what those people see. I kind of wish I knew one to ask them what the draw is there. Hm….food for thought. Wow…just realized ‘food’ and ‘asshole’ should never be in the same paragraph. I apologize profusely.

*** I told my loyal reader Tiffany Lyn that I would give her a shout out, so Tiffany…”HOLLA!”

Trannytown

Kimmy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:31:45 +0000

There is this Tranny in the grocery store that is so much hotter than me….I never know whether to plunge a stake into my left ventricle or ask her for makeup tips. Only in New York would someone be in line between a woman with a 3 legged dog and a fierce Tranny holding a Louis Vuitton. On a completely different note, here are some things I find highly annoying of late that I would like to share:

Miley Cyrus: What is obsession with this girl?? She cannot sing, dance, or act, her father is a creepy D list mullet wearing has-been, her face looks like a vagina, and she seems to have diarrhea of the mouth http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-09-miley-apologizes-again-for-racially-offensive-photo-this-time-she-means-it Call me crazy but I just don’t get it.

Elizabitch Hasselback: This is obvious and doesn’t need much explanation. It’s as if someone took a voice recorder to Fox news and played it back each morning on a deceptively adorable human electronic device. God, if you are out there please hear my wish…make her womb barren and stop the procreating!

People listening to every 399092342 ring tone on their cell phone on subway. Note to offenders….this is obnoxious and everyone on train hates you.

School kids at 3 PM on same subway: Just to clear up any confusion you may have, your friends are actually NOT hearing impaired. And they are standing 6 centimeters away from you. Save your vocal chords. You may need them in the future. For your one phone call…in jail

Republicans. nuff said

People who find pleasure from posting every callback and audition in their facebook status updates. No one cares… and chances are we make fun of you. A lot.

Line jumpers: no cuts no butts no coconuts.

People obsessed with their miniscule dogs: I am going to clue you in on a little secret…God gave them fur for a reason. No need to dress them in puffy down jackets, velour tracksuits, and ugg boots. Oh, and chances are you think your animal is MUCH cuter than anyone else does…we are simply being polite.

Mean homeless people: Here is an actual conversation I had the other day with said person. Homeless man: “Can you spare a dollar”
Me: “Sorry. I am broke.”
Homeless Man: “Fuck you. It’s only a dollar”
Me: (blinks in silence)
2 words…anger management.

“Dr.” Phil: Newsflash….You are in no condition to be doling out “tough love” advice to fat people. You are one of them. die.

Judgmental Asian manicurists: Even though we do not speak your language, we are still very much aware that you are talking smack about us… mostly from the way you gesture to us, say something in your indistinguishable language of Asian descent, then crack up with your friend. offensive.

Delivery men on bikes: I know I am relatively insignificant in this city, but I do value my life and I know my mom would probably be pretty upset if I died. SO I would appreciate it if you could brake…or at least make it look like you are attempting to brake before you run me over. Thanks.

Time Warner Cable maintenance men: I would like to introduce you to my friend, Deodorant. I think you two could have a beautiful future together.

The annoying host on the Bachelor: Please find a new way to say “the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER” It’s the 678th season and this has not changed. I will give you some helpful suggestions….”A rose ceremony just like every other one where we take ridiculously long pauses and edit to make it look remotely interesting when in reality, it isn’t.” Feel free to use

NYC subway etiquette

Kimmy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:28:32 +0000

We all know how weird the NY subway can be and my experience last night did not disappoint. Here is a blog I posted last year that I still feel is quite relevant. I was 38% sure that I was being punked, just looking around expecting to see Aston jump out at any moment. So, without further adieu Kimmy’s rules for NY subway etiquette:

1.) Please, please for the love of God remember that deodorant is your friend people. Friend, not foe.
2.) If the subway is crowded and there is .08 of a centimeter in between 2 seats, do not, and I repeat do not try to sandwich yourself between the 2 poor souls sitting in them. Especially if you are chubby or haven’t mastered number 1 on this list.
3.) If you happen to be homeless and are hoping to score some money from the passengers, you may want to refrain from slurring your speech, screaming obscenities at them, and drinking from a .40 wrapped in a brown paper bag while trying to do so. Just a suggestion.
4.) I am all for chit chat to make the commute go by a little quicker, but please, lets try to use our “inside voices” a bit more so the other passengers don’t rupture an eardrum. (This is especially relevant oh, say, around 3 pm on school days).
5.) Gum smackers. Yes, you know who you are. Gum is meant to be enjoyed for it’s flavor….Chewed ( mouth closed) until flavor dissipates, whereupon it should be disposed of into a trash receptacle This is not to be confused with smacking, chomping, blowing, cracking, or slurping the gum. (This applies to food as well) In case you didn’t get the memo, we are, in fact, people….not cows. Who knew?
6.) Ipods….Yes, I love my ipod. I listen to it at a reasonable volume. You should also try this. When the person sitting next to you is covering his/her ears and pulsating to the rhythm of your techno music, this may be an indication you should click it down a notch …or 20.
7.) Altoids….lets make these our friends too. Especially during rush hour when we are all up in each other’s business.
8.) Singing…..So, again, I am a full believer using song as one’s creative outlet. This is, in fact, my profession after all. Singing brings joy to so many, I know. Unfortunately, when you are shoved into a tiny tube filled with sweaty, tired people, no one else will feel this joy. More than likely, they will probably veer more towards disgust or disdain. You are not alone. Remember…you are, in fact, in public.
***Especially relevant if you happen to be tone deaf.
9.) If it is raining and your umbrella is soaked, putting it onto the seat next to you just doesn’t make much sense….especially when I come along and sit on, it only to find my ass all wet. It is not fun to look like you peed yourself.
10.) If you have a screaming child that requires a 50 foot stroller complete with drawers, shelving units, and a small island attached to the back, please take a taxi. Or better yet, hire a babysitter.
That’s it for tonight. And please, ride safely

the wonderful world of Kim

Kimmy — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:27:26 +0000

Not really sure how you begin a blog so I’ll simply start by introducing myself to….well…myself, I guess. I live in the weirdest city in the world in a profession that makes Tranny Midget pole dancing look relatively normal. I have a weird fascination with all books and movies relating to the Holocaust and a love for music that makes you want to take a warm bath with razor blades. I tend to eat my feelings (they are usually pretty delicious), and get a sick pleasure out of popping pimples. (come on….don’t even TRY to tell me you don’t feel a moment of sheer exhilaration as the white stuff shoots out at the mirror…..no?….hm…) I feel that Tylenol PM and Oatmeal cookie chunk ice cream are proof that Jesus loves us, and sometimes I forget that I am not actually friends with LC, Audrina, The real housewives of Atlanta, and Rachel Zoe. If I had a quarter for every time I told myself that my diet starts tomorrow I’d be living on Park Avenue. Clowns freak the shit out of me…in a related story; I was home in Chicago last year driving late at night when I came to a stoplight only to look next to me and see a car FILLED with clowns. I screamed and hauled ass through the red light and have never been the same. I’m 81% sure I have a mild case of ADD.
Some of my favorite things in NYC; the neighborhood homeless man with an Ipod, the fact that a man with a mullet dressed only in banana hammocks and boots holding a guitar can stand in the middle of times square and become famous, the ease in which one can eavesdrop on other people’s cell phone conversations and hear things like “No seriously…he wanted to put it up my poopchute!”, weird chemical sugar substances NY’ers happily accept as “ice cream”, the street “store” on my block that sells dolls with no heads (for 3 dollars!), 1 shoe (pretty sure they are supposed to be a set), A Paula Abdul “straight up and tell me” single cassette tape, and a Jem lunchbox (truly truly truly outrageous, outrageous….ok so ya, I have considered buying it, so sue me), the drunk preachers of the Gospel on the A train (”And sjesus say bress me fo i harve sind), and the fact that even the mice here are assholes…I swear I saw one roll it’s eyes in disgust and I tried to launch a surprise attack with my stiletto, and being in line behind a drag queen at the grocery store just isn’t anything out of the ordinary.
I can usually be found making an ass of myself at an audition, making love to my DVR, or stalking people on facebook. Between eating, stalking people online, and reality TV-watching, I have very little time to do much else.
Ok I think I am done for today. Off to find out what crucial celebrity news I have missed.

xo
Kimmy