There is this Tranny in the grocery store that is so much hotter than me….I never know whether to plunge a stake into my left ventricle or ask her for makeup tips. Only in New York would someone be in line between a woman with a 3 legged dog and a fierce Tranny holding a Louis Vuitton. On a completely different note, here are some things I find highly annoying of late that I would like to share:

Miley Cyrus: What is obsession with this girl?? She cannot sing, dance, or act, her father is a creepy D list mullet wearing has-been, her face looks like a vagina, and she seems to have diarrhea of the mouth http://perezhilton.com/2009-02-09-miley-apologizes-again-for-racially-offensive-photo-this-time-she-means-it Call me crazy but I just don’t get it.

Elizabitch Hasselback: This is obvious and doesn’t need much explanation. It’s as if someone took a voice recorder to Fox news and played it back each morning on a deceptively adorable human electronic device. God, if you are out there please hear my wish…make her womb barren and stop the procreating!

People listening to every 399092342 ring tone on their cell phone on subway. Note to offenders….this is obnoxious and everyone on train hates you.

School kids at 3 PM on same subway: Just to clear up any confusion you may have, your friends are actually NOT hearing impaired. And they are standing 6 centimeters away from you. Save your vocal chords. You may need them in the future. For your one phone call…in jail

Republicans. nuff said

People who find pleasure from posting every callback and audition in their facebook status updates. No one cares… and chances are we make fun of you. A lot.

Line jumpers: no cuts no butts no coconuts.

People obsessed with their miniscule dogs: I am going to clue you in on a little secret…God gave them fur for a reason. No need to dress them in puffy down jackets, velour tracksuits, and ugg boots. Oh, and chances are you think your animal is MUCH cuter than anyone else does…we are simply being polite.

Mean homeless people: Here is an actual conversation I had the other day with said person. Homeless man: “Can you spare a dollar”
Me: “Sorry. I am broke.”
Homeless Man: “Fuck you. It’s only a dollar”
Me: (blinks in silence)
2 words…anger management.

“Dr.” Phil: Newsflash….You are in no condition to be doling out “tough love” advice to fat people. You are one of them. die.

Judgmental Asian manicurists: Even though we do not speak your language, we are still very much aware that you are talking smack about us… mostly from the way you gesture to us, say something in your indistinguishable language of Asian descent, then crack up with your friend. offensive.

Delivery men on bikes: I know I am relatively insignificant in this city, but I do value my life and I know my mom would probably be pretty upset if I died. SO I would appreciate it if you could brake…or at least make it look like you are attempting to brake before you run me over. Thanks.

Time Warner Cable maintenance men: I would like to introduce you to my friend, Deodorant. I think you two could have a beautiful future together.

The annoying host on the Bachelor: Please find a new way to say “the most dramatic rose ceremony EVER” It’s the 678th season and this has not changed. I will give you some helpful suggestions….”A rose ceremony just like every other one where we take ridiculously long pauses and edit to make it look remotely interesting when in reality, it isn’t.” Feel free to use